I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
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He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
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I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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