You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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