My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
