He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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