Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
