I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
