It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
