my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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