I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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