I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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