she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
