Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
