So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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