Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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