she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
