the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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