i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
