I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
