Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
