i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
