I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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