I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
