So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
