Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
