I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
