My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
