How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
