can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
