Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
