she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
