Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
