I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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