Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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