Your face is a jimmy john
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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