I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
