had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize