the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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