This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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