FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
