My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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