Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
