Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
