soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
