It's Friday. Sex?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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