my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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