I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
