mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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