I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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