you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
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I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
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Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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