I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
