i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
