my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
