I can tuck mytits in my pants
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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