So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
soo... how was my night?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
